June 16th, 2013
|10:13 pm - Weak Weekend|
I'm at the cafe with my laptop right now, but I'm a bit frustrated. I had wanted to do the job hunt thing, but there haven't been any hits from my usual sources. I haven't done much for the last few days so I thought there'd at least be some things to look through, but nope. The alternative is working on my portfolio/php project. I don't really feel like it, but maybe I'll do it anyways.
Half hour later: Nope. I'll try again tomorrow.
|01:32 am - Looking for I Don't Know What|
Lately it seems like I'm spending a lot of time looking for something, but I don't know what. It just feels like there's something missing in my life, and I can't seem to find anything to fill the void. I don't even know what it is.
June 13th, 2013
|07:23 pm - Work Post|
All this moving around is inconductive to work. Anyways I've set an alarm for two hours. When that's done, I'll go home and play video games. It's not much, but it's a start, and seriously, it's almost six now anyways.
First up is sorting through the job notices.
Oh for pete's sake, this isn't listed as an internship but it pretty obviously is. Education: Some College Coursework, Salary $0. Bleh.
Almost an hour later, I've shot down that job, applied to another, and I'm looking at one I'd be great for, but they want at least three examples of my code, live. http://www.knighthunter.com/job.aspx?jid=aec8eee9-1e36-450c-b525-0a641f7f9190
If I manage to finish my PHP project, that'll be one... Geez. I don't even know what to do about that.
Alright well, there's nothing I can do about that now. If you guys have any ideas or words of encouragement I'd like to hear them.
For now, I've got an hour left and I've looked at the available jobs. That means it's portfolio time.
According to my Targets list, the next thing to do is Updates. So, let's get hat working!
6:52pm - Okay so it says it's working, but it's not. That's never good. XD
Okay it looks like the error reporting will only catch if the command failed. I'll have to put in something to test how many rows were updated.
7:05pm - Whaaaaaaaaaat I fixed that but then when I ran it, it worked fine, and the log out button worked too, and whaaaat? Did I not upload them after I coded them before? How did that happen?
Anyways it's still good that I included that error message so I'm not taking it out. But now I need to re-check what does and doesn't work on this thing.
Hum, it looks like pressing the delete button brings up the delete dialog, but it doesn't actually delete anything. Let me check the code. Also I don't like the keyboard on this laptop. It keeps missing key presses. ;.;
Okay yeah, it puts up the prompt but I haven't actually coded account deletion in.
7:13pm - I made a quick delete function based off of the update function. Let's see how it goes.
7:22pm - And deletion is complete! That's great. The whole user experience is done. I would've gotten an A on my PHP Term Project if I could've just done this faster. On the Exam too. Oh well.
There's 18 minutes left but I'm going to finish up early. My shoulders hurt and now that I've got the basic stuff down, I have to make the administrator account. That'll be more complex.
|05:18 pm - Pre-Work Post|
Well, today started off rough. I woke up depressed again and I wasn't able to do anything. Eventually though, I was able to get up and call my doctor. I set an appointment for Monday to talk with him about my depression. Hopefully that'll help.
After that, I called my Mom and we went out. I was just going to get food, but she suggested going to the Animal Farm, so we did that and I felt somewhat better. We got some food from the A&W then I went home to eat it. I played Terraria for an hour, then took a shower and now I'm at the library. On the way here I paused at the Cave. I asked if they had any new games, and they asked what system. I said GameCube, Wii or DS. They said, oh, we do have some! They showed me a couple, then the fellow who is often with Chris said that there were some more that he had tested. He brought them out. First there were a couple Family Feud games that weren't even in proper packages. Then there was Xenoblade and The Last Story.
Of course, I want them. But, I doubted I had enough. I asked Chris what he wanted for them, and he wasn't sure. So he went to look them up, on eBay I think.
He said he'd hold onto them for now in case I want them after he settles up, but first he has to contact the guy who sold them to him, since he feels guilty about not paying him enough for Xenoblade.
It turns out the library is closing, so I guess I won't be working here after all. I'll pack up and get to proper work at the cafe, I guess.
June 11th, 2013
|04:59 pm - Work Post|
I'm starting writing this most of the way into my time working today. I just spent about 40 minutes applying to a job. In order to speed this process in the future, I've saved most of the cover letter I wrote to use as a boiler-plate.
I'm trying something new to help me do my work. I've been thinking that perhaps my anxiety is caused in part by my attitude of 'do as much work as you can until you can't do anymore'. I tend to leave my schedule very open-ended. I don't have the self-discipline to enforce project deadlines on myself, but I can at least say I'll only work for this long in a given session. Today it's an hour. After the hour's up, I'll stop working and go get some lunch. We'll see how it goes. At the very least, I was able to tear myself away from Neverwinter in order to apply for that job, and in the time remaining to me I intend to make a list of targets for my PHP Project. They're sort of like super milestones. Tenmilestones maybe.
I'll post them here along with in a text file, where I can check them off as they're done.
Chatroom Registration Development Targets
User Login - CHECK!
User Account Creation - CHECK!
Admin Login -
Persistant Login -
Multi-page Admin View -
Admin Account Search -
CSS Styling -
User Login - A user must be able to login to the system to view their account info.
User Account Creation - A user must be able to create a new account by supplying a new UN and PW combo
Update - When the update button is pressed, the data from the fields must be entered into the database, and the account data re-loaded
Delete - When an account is deleted, there should be a pop-up confirmation dialog, and on acceptance the account should be removed from the database; if the logged-in account is the one deleted, the user should be taken to the login screen
Admin Login - An admin must be able to log into the system; an admin will see all of the accounts in the system simultaneously
Persistant Login - A user refreshing the page while logged in should remain logged in until they choose to log out or a time limit passes.
Multi-page Admin View - Only show so many accounts on the admin page, so that if there are a lot of accounts it doesn't bog down the system
Admin Account Search - Allow an admin to search for specific accounts, so that if there area lot of accounts they don't have to manually check each on
CSS Styling - Add CSS styling to the forms, to make them look nice
Well there we go. Looks like I'm done with a couple minutes to spare, and I'm pretty darn hungry so I'm going to head out.
June 10th, 2013
|02:03 pm - Work Post|
It's interesting that our word for a task we do to earn our keep is the same as the name of a man from a fable about graceful suffering.
Today is pretty dreary, inside and out. It's not hot but it is humid, and there was a scent in my room that didn't smell right. I should clean up in there. I should clean up everywhere; but isn't it always the way, you only think of things like that on days where you can't put something outside and out of the way?
For some reason I slept in really late. I wasn't up that late; I don't know what's the deal there, but there you go. It's so dreary I decided not to go out, but I've been slacking off so much I had to do some kind of work, so I opened up my laptop and sat on my sofa, and here I am.
I'm feeling a bit sick, but that's probably because I'm working. I'll keep at it and see if it goes away.
Disappointing. I had almost finished applying for a job when I realized it was for front end web development and not back end.
While I'm waiting for something to load, I'd like to muse on my portfolio. I still think I should do the work I had planned, but more and more I wonder if I shouldn't switch over to working on Terasology, the open-source minecraft clone I've had my eye on since last year. It'd definately look more impressive in my portfolio, and I might actually want to work on it, unlike this apparent aversion I have to doing my work most days. Or maybe that'll have the same problem, and I'm just being depressed and crazy. It's tough to tell when something is me or if something is a broken brain bit, sometimes.
Now I feel like I ate oatmeal and drank a coke, something I try very hard not to do because I hate this feeling, and didn't do it this morning. I had an iced tea and a carrot muffin. Bleh. I should probably eat something more soon. It's hard to beieve I've been up for almost two hours already.
Alright, that's all of the job ads I've got today. My brain is refusing to even consider looking at job boards beyond what I usually do. I guess that means the next thing to do is to work on my portfolio.
It's hard to even think about it, honestly. I've got nice, relaxing music playing, and I'm on my cozy sofa with my deer around my neck, but I don't even feel this anxious when I'm at the Dentist and he's about to jab the freezing into my gums, or some nurse at the clinic is about to take my blood out.
Let's see where I was last... I'll open up what I had on FileZilla. Oh and of course there's an update to FileZilla...
Okay I can log in as a user. Can't update my info and the logout button does nothing. No persistance to a login either, if I go to the same page. Well, I don't think I even planned to do that, though I might add it after I have the main featureset done. I can register a new account but not save the data of that account.
Alright that tells me where I was, next I have to make this baby work. Also maybe I should keep local notes of what I'm working on instead of doing it in my LJ here where I didn't look up what I did last 'cause it would be too awkward.
For now though, the anxiety isn't going away, and the fact I've been up two hours and only ate a muffin hasn't changed, so I'mma go out and get something to eat, get a bit of exercise and sunshine, then come back and we'll see if I can do anything else.
June 4th, 2013
|12:31 pm - Job Hunt|
I'm still feeling really antsy and full of anxiety. I'm pretty sure it's affecting me. The most challenging part of job applications is writing a cover letter for each of them, and I don't think I'm doing very well.
At any rate, it's noon now, so I'd like to take care of applying to those two jobs. Then I'll go get myself a drink or something sweet. I don't think I'm ready to work on my portfolio again yet.
Oh, Steam just popped up an update. Looks like they just put the complete Skyrim in a package. How DISTRACTING. >.< Well it's too expensive for me to get now, but it should go on sale during their next big sale. Then I might actually finally buy it. And never play it. ^.^;;
Back to job applications.
First up is this one: http://www.sisystems.com/index.cfm?mg=cpo.details&uv=BFFA05E2597196A7
I hope linking to their ad doesn't make them look at my LJ. XD
Oh shoot. They want me to paste my resume, but my resume is encoded in docx format with tables and stuff. I really need a plaintext resume for times like this. :/
OH WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? My website is bugging out now too? Alright I was going to put a url to my proper resume on my website but if I have to fix my website too, that's just too much for me right now. I'll apply to this job later.
For now, I'll just apply to the one from yesterday.
*work work work* Okay that's taken care of, and my laptop's battery is low, and so is mine. I'm going to pack up and get myself a thing, then probably head home. Ta.
|11:38 am - First Thoughts at the Library|
I was excessively depressed this morning. Still not feeling great. I took a walk, went down to the river, and followed it all the way to Exmouth street, where I had second breakfast at the Timmy's. I took the bus back downtown and now I'm at the library. I got enough exercise that my body feels used without feeling burnt out, so that's nice, and it's cold enough today that I didn't sweat on the trip. I don't know why it's so cold this late in the season, but I'm not complaining. I like it.
I don't think it was related to my depression, or I hope not anyways, but while I was walking my mind gradually drifted away from my usual existential angst and into atheistic angst. It's pretty difficult. It seems like it'd be easy to be tolerant of other religions when you've got one. If they're crazy, so are you. But from the Atheist standpoint, being tolerant of religions is like supporting someone's delusions. A whole lot of someones. And people who follow those delusions are hurting people. And anything good that comes out of religion doesn't require religion for it to happen.
But if I say bad things about religion, my friends who are members of religions wouldn't like me, and frankly, there are more people with religions than not. So when an Atheist is tolerant of religion, it's more like a defense mechanism. o.o;;
It doesn't seem like that long ago when I first called myself an Atheist. Before that, I'd say Agnostic, but it's not really true anymore. Some traveling Mormons wanted to talk about religion and I said I was an Atheist, and they were satisfied with that. I suppose I'll be satisfied with them traveling half way around the world to spread a pretty clearly made up religion.
I suppose I'm just upset with dogmatic religion. If you wanna be spiritual, that's great. I've had some pretty weird experiences. At this point in my life, I'm over fifty percent sure they were delusions caused by my various mental issues, but maybe they were real. But dogmatic religions make verifyably false claims and encourage you to ignore the evidence to the contrary in the name of faith. There may be a god in this universe but I'm over 99% sure that it's not the Christian god, or the god of any other dogmatic religion. I mean seriously, if you could prove it, you wouldn't need faith. If you can't prove it, then why believe in it? Especially when it's so contradictory, and double especially when it's so harmful?
I suppose I can understand the benefits of a church and religious community, but do we really need religion for those things?
Oh well. I've considered visiting the local Unitarian congregation. They seem like a non-dogmatic mixed-faith church, for people who want a church without a religion. I don't know if I'm just reading too much into that, but it sounds like a nice thing, to let people explore what they believe and what bizzare experiences they've had without a bunch of mythology or prophecies or divine commands.
It's a bit funny. The person I know who is religious and I'm most worried about offending by saying all this, is a Unitarian. So maybe he'll understand, and I don't have to worry. The rest of you, well, I'm sorry I think you're crazy. I won't try to force you to change, if you don't try to force me to follow your dogma.
I'm pretty jealous of animals who can't understand the world around them, so I understand the seductive lure of faith and fantasy. I suppose that comment might come off offensive, but it's how I really feel. A bizzare combination of pity and jealousy, superiority and inferiority.
Another thing I thought about on my walk, was alcohol. We've had alcohol for the entire history of civilization. In fact, I've heard a theory that alcohol was the original reason for civilization and agriculture. Humans could survive just fine hunting and forraging, but making alcohol was more complex. They needed enough of the right plants, and time to ferment and brew. Of course, food crops can be grown just the same.
I wondered on my walk if humans haven't developed a natural need for alcohol. If perhaps being as smart as we are, all of the time, is a bad thing. Perhaps we're only meant to be sober when we need to be, and the reason I get lost in all this existential angst is because I'm thinking so much when I shouldn't be.
I kind of hope I'm wrong. At any rate I'm too much of a cheapskate to pick up recreational drinking.
Well I think that's enough going on about the strange places my brain went on my walk. I've got two jobs to apply for now.
|06:25 am - Existential Angst|
Oh boy, it sure is great to wake up to a big pile of EXISTENTIAL ANGST.
Okay actually it pretty much sucks. I wake up and I'm lost thinking about how horrible everything is. Life, death, suffering, work, and all of it with no point. Well, I suppose a point is logically impossible. If there was a point, then someone made the universe for a reason, and that means they existed before the universe in a superuniverse that didn't have a point. Or if it did, then there's another level above that.
I'm particularly upset about my own hyperfocus. I'm told it's an element of my Asperger's Syndrome. But the long and short of it is I have a very hard time doing more than one thing in a day. I push myself to work on my portfolio and look for jobs at the expense of cleaning, hygiene, and all that. If I'm not hiding from one thing it's another. I'm a couple months late for my six month dental checkup. The dentist has already sent a couple reminder cards. I keep telling myself I'll brush for two weeks straight, then go once my gums have toughened up. But the longest I've been able to brush daily was four days.
My glasses are at least three years old, maybe four, and last year I got a perscription for more so I could replace them. Disability will cover one pair a year, so far as I understand. But I got a letter from my optometrist that said they'd like me to come in for a check up in two months. It's already almost time for that again. Getting poked in the eye.
Don't get me started on the dishes. Or better yet, do get me started on the dishes, 'cause they really need to get done, but I keep leavin' them there.
Yeah, it's no wonder I'm so depressed and anxious I can't get any work done with my job hunt and portfolio. I'm only using them to hide from the chores I should be doing at home, and desperately don't want to do. And when I can't do the work I've convinced myself is so important, I hide in other things like video games or talking to friends, telling myself it'll refresh me and make me able to do the other things. And then the day is over and I feel empty as I struggle to sleep, knowing I've avoided all my responsibilities for another day and feeling horribly ashamed. Of course, they're only my responsibilities to myself, so nobody is going to punish me for not doing them. Except myself.
And now I feel sick after eating breakfast. Just wonderful. :/
June 3rd, 2013
|07:26 pm - You Should Read Partners|
I just want to reccomend this great online book I just finished reading, called Partners, by Norithics on InkBunny. It's a fantastic book of idealistic futurism, superheroes and furries. It's action-packed, full of adventure and well written characters that you'll actually care about. I reccomend it; a lot. If you read, then you should read it.
Here's the URL for the first part of the book, Partners: Issue 1